Regrets

As the day was passing I kept falling
I realized what I shouldn’t have known
And instead of walking this day
I stand up and said words of regret
And with it I died this day
And I dreamed that I disappeared in the air
But the rain came and took me down (with it)
So I remain in the ground where people walk on me
And that was when my tears started to fall
And my heart got torn and started to bleed
And from this moment I couldn’t stop the pain or the tears
And every day I walk up I keep on repeating the same things over and over again
And with time I realized that I loved the rain
Because it’s like my tears
But the only different my tears keep in falling everyday in happy and sad time
And that when I started not to talk and hide
Started to run from the truth afraid of getting hurt again
Afraid of people leaving me
I decided to hide the truth inside my heart and feeling regret of not saying it
I decided to live in pain than in peace of mind… strange isn’t it?
I decided a long time ago that I never want regret while the truth I was lying
Am living in regret of not saying what my heart felt
And now I don’t know what I really want because I learned to shut up and hide behind lies
And that hurt… and that’s how am living my life…
Yours:AmyBadr

3:40 PM
29-5-2011

I Know It...

Dear Diary;

I know it’s not about the past

It’s about the future and that’s all am afraid about

Walking along a road looking around

Thinking about it all makes me so scared

Feeling I have nothing

Or feeling so alone

Feeling that always keeps me down

Make me sad and want cry

This feeling can never change

Always trying to think positive while I feel negative

Always trying to talk about something else other than pain and sad time

But it seems no matter how hard I try to forget or run

It seem that I keep returning back to where I was

And all I could remember is bad and sad time

And little about good memories and that even make me sadder

Remembering them but can’t have them

Remembering them and knowing that I have lost them

Wanting them back in my life but can’t have them

No matter how hard I try…

When I laugh because am trying to hide behind my smile

It’s not because am happy,

And when am really happy tears come out of my eyes

Feeling like am afraid because this memory won’t last

Always so afraid so scared but thankful for this happy time

So thankful that my tears won’t stop

Trying to be there for people whom I love

But always my pain and sadness take me away from them

And am sorry for that

Hope I can change to better

But I can’t

See what am trying to say

I want something make me try harder

Something that make me stronger

I think times will reveal it

Because I want believe it…..

I wish my believes is true because I don’t want fall

I want stand up

I want be strong for u…

Yours: AmyBadr

3:21 PM

20-5-2011

So no one can find me...

Here I am
I always cry but I wanted to smile
So I faked it so nobody can know
I felt so pitiful
That it made want cry more
So here I am I run toward the sun...
Walking in the dark knowing nobody can see me
So here I am
Am crying again and hiding in the dark
So no one can find me
And when the light of tomorrow comes I walk with a smile
So here I am
When it rain it feels like the sky is cry for me
Because I can’t
So here I am
Acting all strong and trying hard to be what everyone want me to be
But I realize it was never enough
When u gives they always want more
So here I am destroyed
Can’t give more but am trying but it’s so hard
Because am broken and every time I try hard
It hurts more
Like a train is stepping on me slowly
Like someone is stabbing me
So here I am
Acting like nothing wrong
While the truth that I want finds a place where no one can find me
So I can cry my heart out
So I can shout………
So the pain left on me goes on and on
And the emptiness here in me goes on and on
And I just can’t go on and on…
Yours: AmyBadr

9:07 PM
29-6-2011

I just want Forget... It's a Lie...

I want let u go... I want Forget about u... But Baby why I can't do that... Why..?!
And why every time I thought I was going to forget about u, I find u in front of me...? Sometimes I feel it has a meaning and sometimes I don't, I just want give up...
At this moment I wish u were here Holding my Hand and telling me it's gone be alright... I heard if u love someone so Bad u has to send them free and if they return to u then they are yours... is it like that every time i try to forget u and u suddenly appear in front of me does this mean u are mine... Or am I making excuses just to keep u in my heart... Because I can't let u go...
Do u know I Love when u call my name so I have always wanted u to call it always... I Loved when u smiled at me it made my heart race... Every time I see u I remember what am suppose to forget So stay away my love if u aren't mine stay away stop playing games with my heart...
And I say I just want to forget that's all a Lie... The truth I want keep u in my heart always... 
Yours: AmyBadr

(10:50 PM      20-5-2012)

Can't we forget about it....?

Can't we forget about it....?
Can't we really... Forget about it....
Words are like that can't be forgotten if they are engraved within the heart, So when u hears them u remembers how u felt the first time u has gone through this misery…
If u really want to understand what am saying listen carefully with your heart, And remember the first time u heard this words and how u felt and how much u have been through at this moment u will understand...
It's more painful when I hear it from u and look at your eye and see and remember how much suffer I was in and that u are now like that but I can't help it I can't say or do anything I just froze in my place, feel the pain and cry for u that all I can do because it's so painful to see someone suffering from something u has experience u want help them but u don't know how, I want protect u from feeling this pain even if it means I have to go throw it again because it's less painful than seeing u suffer...
My tears when it fall for someone it's like fire in my heart that I can't put it down no matter how much I try...
Yours: AmyBadr

(25-4-2012 1:04 AM)

From Koran Drama "Can U Hear My Heart"

Unfortunate... is when u want to love... but u can't because of your scars. 
U don't want to be alone, but because of scars, U can only be alone. 
Even when u walk in the bright sunlight, you’re still alone, lost in the utter darkness.
It's like a shadow that cruelly clings to my footsteps... following me constantly.

A Picture I Drew in my Mind…

I wish it were different, but it’s not… and I think that why it hurt…

It was my choice and I won’t regret it…
I will have to walk with the flow and I will accept it…
I seem to be saying that a lot and am afraid I won’t make it…
One day I will just give up like I have given up on my dreams
And that won’t be it…
I will do what’s worst and I will act like I like it…
I will say that was my destiny hiding for me,
But am afraid of it…
Once is enough that what I want say but it isn’t…
I will walk toward the future but with me there will be nothing there for me to live for…
And at the end no one will remember how it was or what was real,
And that will be all of it…
I will disappear gradually in thin air like it what was meant to be the end for me,
And that what make it sad
But all we got to say is words that will only last for a minute…
That when everything disappears and remains sound of nature around it…
And that was the end for me that was it…
Yours: AmyBadr

2:40 PM
9-2-2012

Coldplay – Fix You

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse...
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Moments of Weakness… I hate it the most…

It hurts feeling weak and trying to act all strong or not show it
It hurts when u has to hide your feeling and never speak the truth
It hurts lying every time to hide how u truly feels from people
And it’s more painful when u began to believe in this lies u made
You began to become lost and don’t know what u really wants or how u really feels…
And this pain began to become your only friend that u began to forget why it really hurt u feel the pain but don’t know why…
You don’t know why it’s painful… U can never find the reason…
And that make me crazy… That I began to sit there alone trying to figure out who really am I…?! That sometimes I want someone tell me who am I…?!
So…
My heart u has to be strong…
Don’t let me down don't show anybody that we are hurt
But we act like we are strong.
We can bear all the pain I know it hurt and I feel like crying
But I keep holding myself back and laugh until my tears fall.
Stop feeling pain please I feel like I can't breathe when u are like that….
Am so scared and don't know what to do
But I keep holding myself from showing it,
So be strong my heart
Because I feel I can't take it anymore
I feel like am going to crash soon and fall,
And never be able to get back up again so please hold on... & never give up...
Yours: AmyBadr

3:34 PM          29-1-2011

A Mistake & A Wish...

I wish when u walk on a road

U stops there for just a minute to remember what u has left behind

Because sometimes without u knowing u has left a lot,

And left people who care and love u

And maybe they still there waiting for u to see them or realize their existence…

I made once a mistake like that I didn’t see what I have and I kept running afraid of getting hurt until one day I realized what was there wasn’t here anymore it disappear and left me alone…

At this time I realize my fear had made me hurt myself and I regret it until today, and every day I remember what I have done and I can never forgive myself I was blind didn’t see or know what was there beside me until I lost it…

I wish if I could go back and has only a chance to fix it and ask a question…

Only one question… would have ended my suffering…

Did they left me because they forget about me and stopped caring Or was it because they got hurt and they want to forget…

Sometimes it’s difficult to understand what others has been through… u wish u do but all u can do at this moment is just be there for them…

Urs: AmyBadr

8:45 PM

23-11-2011